College Football News: Lane Kiffin to Auburn Rumors, Purdue-Northwestern bloopers, Texas A&M attendance

The dangers of letting Spotify play as you do your first solo morning of “wife’s at work, I’m parenting” duty is that it’s going to create a comical soundtrack for you as you work.

May it bless these tarts.

Tinnitus A&M University

That the cult just keeps singing along is a glorious thing.

More Hullabaloo, Ka-Dreck, Ka-Dreck

That’s an aggie fight song joke, kids.

The Ags are 4-7 (1-6) after their 20-3 triumph over [/checks notes] UMass. The stadium was virtually empty. Nebraska levels of sellout here.

Purdue to Offer Degree in Glass-Cutting

Expect these five engineers to be their first graduating class.

I enjoy that they chose the skinniest one on which to write “NOT”.

Don’t worry, more from Northwestern-Purdue to come. Goal first!

Can’t Row

Shouldn’t Mel Tucker be encouraging them to CHOP through the ice or something?

Per Andraw Morewaterski, “We ain’t Rutgers out here, the SHITters should work at least.

It’s not a Thump Article without Illinois Content!

This week, it’s the screwjob of the century. A big grouse from the Big House. The refs’ flub at the M Club:

Of course, the Big Cheese himself couldn’t let it go unnoticed:

Bert trying to take second place to Lane Kiffin in the “college football coach-as-social media troll” world.

Poll

Did Illinois get screwed?

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    Even Fall’s Tarts aren’t safe from MNW’s polls

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Speaking of…

Will the Lane Reign Mainly on the Plains?

The Auburn Tigers head coaching job is open. And that led one Mississippi reporter to proclaim…

Mr. Kiffin, your rebuttal?

And thus it ended there, yes? Surely Lane Kiffin would ride off into the distance, nothing but the Egg Bowl with Ole Miss rival Mississippi State to focus o—

You beautiful, petty, sunburnt man.

Rocky Mountain “Why?”

Boise State and Wyoming on Saturday…uh…

Just in case it’s unclear what happened there…

Like Bills-Vikings, but somehow dumber.

Without “D’oh!”-se

How does Thump come up with these headings every week?

Anyway, down 35-31, San Jose State lined up as Utah State attempted a 37-yard field goal that would’ve put the Aggies up 38-31. Spartans to get the ball next, and…

…oh no, Spartans. Not like that.

Anyway, both San Jose State and, now, Utah State is bowl-eligible. More Mountain West mediocrity’s always OK by me, though.

‘Catsketball? More like Casketball; or, “More like Patrick Ewwww-ing”

Last Tuesday, in the Gavitt Games, the Northwestern Basketball Wildcats traveled to the nation’s capital for a date with the moribund Georgetown Hoyas. What ensued transcended farce:

This is like an episode of Community where the parody folds in on itself. There’s no point trying to top this.

A Troika of Tarts

But let’s see if Purdue and Northwestern can’t try, huh?

First, an awful pick-six thrown by fourth-string Northwestern quarterback Cole Freeman, Purdue LB Jalen Graham ran afoul of the cranky old white men who write college football’s rules:

That was called back. Purdue ball in Northwestern territory. No big deal, right? After all, watch what happens when Northwestern tries to play defense:

One more time, but from a different English:

God, this team is so bad at defense. Surely, though, Purdue made them pay…

The collective groan and booing from the Purdue faithful was delightful. Trotting out your kicker for a 47-yard field goal into the wind. An exquisitely B1G West tart. No notes.


There you go. These were some silly things that happened. I wrote this in under an hour, but I sure hope Thump is back next week because this was really a journey.

kid’s waking up gotta go byeeeeeee

Poll

Tartiest of the Week?

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    More like the Saggies

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    Glass-Cutting 101

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    Freezst Lansing

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    The Refs’ Flub at the M Club

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    Lane Reign on the Plains

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    Rocky Mountain “Why?”

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    Without “D’oh!”-se

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    Basketball; or, Patrick Ewwww-ing

    (0 votes)

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    The Stupidest Northwestern-Purdue Sequence

    (0 votes)

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    Letting MNW do Fall’s Tarts in the first place

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